1. You are tired.. Like all the damn time.
Because bloody hell who even needs to sleep? Seeing your husband laying there with all body parts to himself, snoring his sweet head off. Meanwhile your laid bare in about a cm of space. And shit… even if you do sleep, the weeks/months of previous sleep deprivation cause you to be even more tired than you were running on empty… Go figure. I’ve been tired since 2012.
2. Washing ones body alone is impossible.
I’m just gonna have a shower you say? Nah uh, I don’t think so. A shower becomes like an Olympic sport when you’re a mum. The timing has to be impeccable before either ones baby becomes hungry or shits them self. Or heaven forbid a child or two clock you and it becomes a team effort.
3. Having a simple glass of water or a HOT cup of tea is almost impossible..
During the day, I hands down make about 8 drinks.. Usually all have been half sipped and put down in an obscure place around the house. These are then collected and placed by the sink, never to be drunk from again. Rest in peace guys.
4. Eating a meal that is warm all the way through would be a dream come true.
Usually there are a few warm spots in my dinner, kinda like an under dome microwave meal… Because of course as mother hen, you serve your dinner last. The second your bum hits the seat, someone wants another drink or a smaller piece of cutlery or sauce or is just being an arsehole.
5. The washing basket.
Either I’m just shit or that fucker doesn’t have a bottom. I’m always waist deep in stained tshirt, odd socks and soggy towels. And putting it away you say? HA.. don’t make me laugh…
6. Having time away from the kids.. And only thinking about the kids.
When I do the off for a few hours my mind is totally absorbed by them, like;
“Oooh, I wonder what they are doing right now. Oh god I hope they are okay, I hope they don’t put stuff up there nose or fall over, how are they coping without me? “
I physically cannot switch off, my brain is absorbed with worry, love and housework fantasies whenever I leave them.
7. Lack of toilet breaks.
I actually feel like I should write an apology letter to my kidneys. Every time I even attempt to go… A million things happen that stop me. Such as; toddler has a meltdown because she needed a wee first or baby has a panic attack because I walked away from her… You know, that kinda thing.
I utterly dispise crumbs… Like I’m not being funny but where do they come from? I literally hoover around 4 times a day and yet still there they fucking are just chilling on my floor. Piss off. I don’t have time for your shit.
9. Lack of personal space.
My children don’t understand that I am a separate human being most of the time. Especially when I sit down and have some peace. Oh shit, look mummy is sat down…. BUNDLE!!!! Like guys, mummy is trying to have quiet time I don’t need your fingers up my nose right now.
And finally number 10
Now anyone that knows me, know my kids are highly emotional little beings. But bloody hell at 6am I don’t wish to hear the song of your people, or that one of you stole the other ones toy car or even that your plate is the wrong colour. Just calm yourselves. I’m all for emotion over here, hell sometimes I even join in with the crying just for good measure. But jesus can you not scream like a banshee.
PS; I love my girls but jesus Christguys 😂